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Humor Giving Birth



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Humor:  Giving birth

When you are experiencing your first child birth, there is nothing funny about it.  The things that happen during childbirth are, at that time, a new experience which you face with more fear and lack of knowledge.   The story is not funny during your experience, but it can can be, looking back at it years (even days) later.

My pregnancy back in 1991 was normal.  As the due date grew near, we envisioned our new baby, and waited with great expectation!  The doctors visits were weekly at that point in the pregnancy.  She suggested walks to begin the birthing process.  Each night, after dinner, my husband and I would walk our dog around the neighborhood, sharing thoughts of what was to come.  My husband was so thrilled at the thought of having his "own little quarterback", yet, we did not know the sex of our child.  I couldn't care less.  I couldn't see my feet, no longer had a waist, was getting sick of stretchy pants and had boobs the size of two watermelons.

At 39 weeks along, after our nightly walk.  I felt a little tired, and a lot crabby.  I turned around and started walking back home because I had to sit down.  Something was happening.  Small cramps here, a little zap there, but nothing that I'd watched movies about or no pain that made me stop in my tracks.  My husband and I went to bed and at 3:00 am, I started to be very aware that the pain was getting stronger, longer and closer together.  It wasn't long before I knew it was time to get to the hospital.  These pains were getting a little stronger and I am a wimp, so I knew it was time to go.  "Where are the keys?", my sweet husband asked.  "I don't know."  I remained calm, yet gave him "the look" and his eyes wide open, he began running around the house, looking here and there, dashing into and out of that room.  I sat there, watching him run around in a sweat, suitcase at my feet and said, "check your pocket."  "Oh."  Okay, let's go.

The bumps I felt going over the potholes in Buffalo, New York felt like someone was throwing me around in a dryer.  My husband, driving as if I were about to go into labor within seconds, drove safely at a mere 90 miles per hour.  I kept reminding him to slow down but this was our first time experiencing child birth, and a new car, so really, giving birth in the car was not an option to him.  The tires squealed around the turn into the ER.  Yes, I said the Emergency Room.  "What are you doing? I'm supposed to go to the Maternity Ward."  "No, he said, this is an emergency."  As we entered the ER, I was quickly wheeled to the maternity ward.  I kept giving him those "I told you" looks but he just kept smiling at me.  A nervous smile, but it was cute, looking back.  I'm thrilled that he drove so quickly, because checking into maternity I was at a full ONE centimeter.  The nurse told us that admitting me was questionable at this point but the pain was regular, so after walking around for thirty minutes I finally was at 6 cm.  I was admitted and my water broke but we were still playing the waiting game.  During labor, I was going to be so tough.  No epidural for ME!  I didn't want those drugs in my newborn, so I would tough it out and be a real woman.  I remember trying to recall the childbirth classes and the breathing methods I practiced so many times, but as the pain came, I just held my breath and hung onto the rails of the bed.  My husband doesn't remember that part, because at this point, the Cosby show was on and he was literally cracking up at the television.  "Come here, Dave", I said.  He came to the side of the bed slowly and I took his hand.  Next contraction came and instead of grabbing the rail, I held his hand.  My nails were embedded into his skin and he said, sweetly, "I guess we should turn the TV off, huh?"

Labor progressed rapidly at that point.  My husband stood at my right side, the nurse at my left side.  I turned more to the nurse for instruction and more to David for support as I began pushing.  When the doctor came in for the final stages of birth, my hubby whispered in my ear, "Oh, no, the doctor is wearing clogs, can you believe that?"  I looked at him, and murmured, "I don't care if he is the janitor at this point, get this kid out of me!"  I remember them placing my sweet, beautiful baby girl, on my stomach and the sounds of her crying.  I also remember my husband looking under the table for his "own little quarterback."  No, they didn't switch children, and there weren't twins.  He just expected a son.  He got a daughter, and today, is as happy with that outcome as can be.  He is protective and loving, and they share an amazingly close relationship.

Looking back, and experiencing three more births, the above mentioned events are hilarious to us.  Back then we were so innocent and unaware of what to expect, but it is one of our favorite memories and one of the happiest days in our lives.

More about this author: Kelly Christel

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